My Middle-Aged Loserhood

topic posted Wed, February 4, 2004 - 7:15 PM by  Unsubscribed
I just joined the tribe Big Losers, and I feel like I finally joined AA or something. What a relief it was to admit to myself and to my fellow sufferers that the cause of my celibacy was the disease of loserhood. Like alcoholism, we've found that losers are often in denial, but it's a great weight of my shoulders to finally go and seek solace for this malady. The disease of Loserhood has many strains, and it's good if you can identify yours. Mine so happens to be Bald-Broke-Middle-Aged-Pervert-Syndrome. It is an incurrable disease from which no one has ever been recorded to recover. However, there is hope, the disease, once identified and confessed to, can be managed. For instance, I've recently joined the Rationalizations-For-Losers-Treatment Center where they teach us the value of lying to one's self about one's prospect for landing a twenty year old supermodel. My instructor says, "No matter how old and ugly you get, and you're plenty of both, Shaku, you've got to pretend to yourself that you could really score, so that you don't become sedentary, which is bad for your health." He gave me an excellent book, my new Bible really, "Lies You Should Tell Yourself In Order To Stave Off Major Depression."
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  • Re: My Middle-Aged Loserhood

    Sat, February 7, 2004 - 2:03 AM
    Are you sure it's not just cooties? Because, although I'm quite certain I'm not a loser, I do have cooties. It's easy to mistake the two.

    Bald-Broke-Middle-Aged-Pervert-Syndrome does not necessarily make you a loser. It just makes you bald, broke, (temporarily) middle-aged and perverted. I'm guessing that you were some of these things already and they didn't necessarily keep you from having a woman. There are many women who seem to like perverts, heaven knows why.

    Anyhow, Shaku, you keep reading that bible of yours, man. Seems like it's just what you need. Hope it helps!
  • Unsu...

    My Middle-Aged Loserhood

    Sun, February 8, 2004 - 1:13 AM
    I liked the Cooties theory. You're right that distinguishing cooties from loserhood can be tricky. In fact, I can't say that I would know the difference. But maybe you're right. Cooties could be a semi-cursed like condition where one has a sort of spiritual aura that hurts one's social life. This may, in fact, be my true condition. I will have to meditate on that. :)
    • Re: My Middle-Aged Loserhood

      Mon, February 9, 2004 - 6:34 PM
      Uh-oh. I'm pretty sure the fact that you need to meditate on it is a clear symptom of cooties!

      Perhaps we should start a non-profit agency to research cures for cooties. I think that people with certain kinds of cooties are actually compatible, though. It is rare to find your counterpart, but that's just a sign of how special both of you are.
  • Re: My Middle-Aged Loserhood

    Fri, May 21, 2004 - 2:27 PM
    Interesting to see someone whose condition is so close to my own: Bald-Broke-Middle-Aged-Underachiever-Syndrome. It is good to fully embrace the truth of oneself-- something I finally learned to do, shortly after my ex-wife's attorney forwarded the message "I don't, but I want as much stuff as I can get my hands on."

    Part of the recovery is in acceptance, of wearing the condition with pride. Indeed, there is no cure, but there is certainly management... along with many helpful exercises, affirmations and delusions such as "I-am-really-happy-to-be-your-friend-who-listens-to-you-complain-about-your-abusive-boyfriend" and "I-don't-mind-dating-your-neurotic-sister-whose-longest-relationship-lasted-three-weeks."

    Meanwhile, I'm going to go back to reorganizing my stamp collection while I continue to wait for Claudia Schiffer's call...
    • Re: My Middle-Aged Loserhood

      Fri, May 21, 2004 - 2:43 PM
      So whats my problem? All i can attract are subby little boys in their 20s because all the interesting men my own age seem to be waiting for a 20 year old bimbo.
      So a perfectly good, experienced not bald, not fat, not ugly 40something woman is suffering because all of you are waiting for Claudia Schiffer.
      Maybe i don't belong here.
      • Re: My Middle-Aged Loserhood

        Fri, May 21, 2004 - 4:29 PM
        Facetiousness and self-mockery are so difficult to convert to the written word....

        I'm sure Ms. Schiffer is a nice person, but frankly-- I don't care.

        I think we reach our 40's, and with that we have the experience to be able to define pretty tightly "What We Want." And along with that, we become pickier, and more willing to "toss some back in" than we used to be. Meanwhile, we have (hopefully) also gained the wisdom to know that we can't change people... so we know that when someone seems "set in their ways" (in a way we find somewhat appalling) we also know to leave them the &*!#$ alone.

        I think we're all looking to catch something more specific, while fishing in a smaller pond of suitable prospects.

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